I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Does beer think about me too?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?