Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’