Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?