I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”