Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.