I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Somebody’s lying.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
phew
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
☠️
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.