I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Did my cat write this
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!