I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
[shakes fist at other fist]
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Twitter remains undefeated
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
why am I working on Labor Day
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.