“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
when someone compliments me
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that