Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.