Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic