I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Banana is the quietest snack
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
