I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.