I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN