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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My ex bf sent me a friend request today and then deleted it real quick. Bro can’t even stalk right
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes