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People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing