I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
#MeanwhileInCanada
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.