I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I put the h in mysterious.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming