Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.