I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.