I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”


The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot


Me: Did you hear that?
Her: Go check it out
Me: Are You Crazy? They always kill the good looking people first
Her: You’ll be alright


If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.


[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today


Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body


*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*