I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
🐕🍷
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint