Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

me in a relationship:

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Sorted

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

Mouse

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?