Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

Mornin

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.