I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
That time Alicia messaged me
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard