I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Is this anything
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early