Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

notice

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]