I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
accurate
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.