I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I am having an out of money experience.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos