I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Going into Monday like
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Monday
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.