Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

They’re called werewolves.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.