Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

BaD BoY!!

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days