Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Life hack

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble