I’m dying louder than usual today.
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate