I’m dying louder than usual today.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.