I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer