I’m dying louder than usual today.
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My neck my back my allergy attack
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*