[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Well, shit
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?