“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”