@My_Ego_Altered

I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.

You Might Also Like

@DangerZoneJunky

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

@junejuly12

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

@kind_ofa_bitch

So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@hippieswordfish

my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

@imteddybless

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes