I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I’m eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I’m a unicorn in human form.
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
So apparently ‘Sexual Prime’ isn’t one of the Autobots.
I know this now.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes