Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
You wish you had this many chins.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.