Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*