I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Why is this me 😫
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?