I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
philosophical skeletons be like
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”