Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

english majors be like furthermore

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.