Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

This is my bus stop.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

#IWishIHadNever noticed

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.