Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

When you try jalapeños for the first time

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…