Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Where is your GOD now????

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator