Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.