I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
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*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.