Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

so i’m at the stock market right

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

*Seductively hides in the woods

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.