I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
You Might Also Like
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here