I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
dutch so unserious
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me too door. Me too.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge