I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
This did not end as expected.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.