Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial