Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.