I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…