I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing