I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake