I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
this made my day 😂
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED