I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
quarantine day 3
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*