Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

cause of death:
autopsy.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.