Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

*pronounces woah like Noah*

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

haha same

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

men are simple creatures