Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.