I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
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Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.