I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
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Don’t talk down to me
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt