I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
You Might Also Like
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
This was the best day of my life
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement