I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
You Might Also Like
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
put ‘er there pardner!
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born