Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

.. do you even science?

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd