I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Candles never taste the way they smell
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid