I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Good morning.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
🐿️
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery