Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy