I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)