I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.