If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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This one’s “Alex”.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Florida be like…
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??