People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
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Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
yeah not falling for this one
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!