Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.

#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes